没有 title 的一篇

从小到大，无论我做什么事，好像都是我的错。这样的一生，真的好难受。我真的没办法用言语来形容我内心的挣扎。真的好累。真的好想把我内心的矛盾，愤怒，全给呐喊，愤吼出来。

小时候，家里无论发生什么事，错的矛头通常都会指向我。我不知道是不是我是男生或是老大，所以得扛下罪名。长大后，在感情生活中，也有同样的遭遇。我真的好累，好累。我何时才能摆脱这一切。

心中的挣扎，何时才能有个解脱？如果不能解脱，我想至少也要发泄一下。

THE FINAL!!!

Yes! I have finally printed my thesis! WOOHOO~~~ Actually, I printed it yesterday. But after proof reading the hard copy, I found lots of typo errors, missing information and wrong concepts! So I made the changes yesterday night and went back to the office to print the corrected pages. Not to mention the laser printer that was giving me not-so-nice confocal images from my PDF. So I have to frantically make the brightness and contrast higher so that the red dots on the black background can stand out. Nonetheless, I managed to print them all and insert the corrected pages.

It's, however, not the end of my Honours. Tomorrow is just the thesis submission date. Two weeks later, I have an oral defense that requires me to give a 5-min brief sum up of my project and also a 15-min Q&A. It is only after 10 November can I be considered a FREE MAN!

Looking back, this hasn't been a smooth flowing year for me, at least in terms of this project. Failed and un-optimized experiments and frustrating cloning stuff are just some of the setbacks I have experienced. Not to mention that my supervisor doesn't really trust my results even though I have done the experiments a few times. And also, my fickle-minded supervisor keeps changing his mind about certain ideas. Makes it even more difficult for me trying to go one direction and halfway through it, he wanted me to go another direction. Very frustrating indeed...

I was chatting with ZQ that Honours is a very mentally-torturing year. We have to be disciplined to stick to our experimental deadlines. We have to constantly pick ourselves up after failed experiments and harsh words from our supervisors. For me, my last 3 weeks were extremely demoralizing. My drafts all came back with harsh words and comments. Even after I have managed to change my drafts to the way my supervisor wanted it, he asked me if I got any help from the rest of the lab people to be able to come up with such good work. My heart was totally shattered. So my supervisor doesn't think that I have the ability to come up with excellent work. (-__-)!!!

Nonetheless, the stressful and tedious period of writing is over. I just have to pray hard that I can score a H1 (1st class Honours). I don't care if it's a high H1 or low H1. A H1 is a H1. So, now I will be able to update my blog more often and also go out and shoot more pictures. My cameras are seriously under-utilized and I need to capture more of Melbourne and maybe other parts of Australia before I come home for good. I seriously don't think I will be coming back to Australia in the near future. Although these 2 years of my life in Melbourne have been an unforgettable one, I do like to come back to Singapore where all my loved ones are.

So friends and family, await my return!

“理所当然”

是不是我都把每件事都处理得太完美？
是不是我把这些人给宠坏了？
所以这些人才把我当作是“理所当然”？

'Sorry' means nothing if you don't mean it at all...

"Knowing the root of the problem and not solving it, is as good as creating a new problem."

I think I am having enough of all these nonsense. If people don't care and bother, why should I? I am not a fucking nanny. Grow up and stop being like a spoilt brat. Disgrace.

It's AUGUST already!!!

OMG!!! It's AUGUST already!!! Can't believe it's been almost 6 months since I started my Honours year. Now I'm officially left with 2 months of lab time to gather all my results. After which, I have about 3 weeks to write up my thesis. The final 2 weeks after thesis submission will be preparing for my oral defense which takes place on 10 November. And after that, I will finally be a FREE MAN!!! No more lab work, no more data analysis, no more cell culture, no more confocal microscopy! Can't wait for my freedom! Can't wait for this nightmare to end!

Hopefully I can plan a trip around Australia after my Honours. Want to go to Adelaide, Alice Spring, maybe Darwin, Brisbane, Gold Coast and Sydney. Will need to plan this real well so that I don't end up stuck at one place for more than I intended to. Need to save some money for my family New Zealand trip when they come over for my graduation. WOOHOO~~~

Lazy...

Lazy Saturday morning... Just wanna laze around in bed the whole day... But have to go grocery shopping... Need my beauty sleep!!!

The Feeling of Emptiness

Lost. Empty. These are the two words that best described my feelings now. Having stayed with my Larling for 3 weeks, her departure this evening was difficult for me. I know it was difficult for her as well. 3 weeks of house chores together. 3 weekends of shopping and Koko Black drinking. 3 weeks of loving moments. I wished it could be longer. It can only remain a wish...

My nightmare was converted back to reality when she arrived on 23 April 2010. My world was back to reality on that day. My heart was thumping fast and hard every time I await her arrival. And when she came out from the gate, my heart stopped and reverted back to pumping blood. The holding of hands, the hugging and voices of each other. I am no longer in a nightmare. The arrival hall was a place of joy and happiness.

3 weeks together. We shared the house chores. We went to the market for weekly groceries. We went to Koko Black, her favorite cafe, 4 times in 3 weeks. We went to Il Dolce Freddo twice. We made desserts together. We went to Camberwell Rotary Flea Market. We went to the Arts Market. We went to Chadstone shopping mall. We went to Il Primo Posto for our 17th month anniversary. We went to the Art House, Meat Market for an arts exhibition. We went to Federal Square for the Buddha Day. I just wished we could have more time together...

Today was her departure day back to Singapore. It was hard for me to contain my sadness. But I have to be strong because I know my Larling is finding it doubly hard to leave me. The airport has became a place of sorrow at the departure hall. No doubt it was hard for me to see her walk past the departure gate, I know she will definitely be back in 6 months' time. I hope time passes fast for that day to come. And when that day comes, I will be expecting my family and my Larling at the arrival hall. And the next time at the departure hall, it will no longer be a sorrowful place...

我以为。。。

我以为跟新加坡人住，就会有更接近的生活习惯。

我以为跟多几个人住，就可以一起分担家务。

我以为跟多几个人住，就会比较开心一点。

我以为继续帮助朋友，就可以得到他们的报答。

我以为我可以放弃他们，但是我还是守着“兄弟”的执着。

我以为。。。

改变

“是不是我的要求太高了？还是人们已经改变了？与其改变人们，或许我应该尝试改变自己。”

我的要求，真的那么高吗？我只希望每件事情都能有秩序，都能依安排地去进行，去完成。这有很难吗？

人们已有了他们的心态与想法。或许他们觉得他们不许要对周遭的事情有所责任。或许他们觉得他们自己的娱乐，活动比较重要。有很多很多的或许。我已没有那个力气与精神去推测他们的想法。与其改变几个人，我不如去改变自己。那样，我可能会觉得好过一点。就像他们一样，只在乎自己想做，自己享受的事。那样一来，我就可以享受一番，也可以不看见他们做的一切。

祝我接下来的八个月，能开心一点，能看开一点。加油！

Update on my room for 2010

As promised, here are the pictures of my room for the remaining of 2010.

Panorama view of my room.

No longer a beggar...

It took me a month just to find a place to settle down for the next 9 months. It is not that I am lazy to go look for a place. It is just that the housing market is Melbourne is too competitive. ZQ, YY and I have been diligently going for numerous inspections of properties and sending in stacks of application forms to get a place. None of our applications was successful. It was until YY asked an agent about how to increase our chances for application, then we knew the trick to it. Yasmin told me that she had to quote a higher rent than what was published in order to out-bid the rest of the applicants. The agent told us that we could include a cover letter and also offer to pay an upfront if 3 months' rent.

So we did that and VOILA~ We got a place! 5/3 Mary Street, North Melbourne 3051. And the place look like this!

These are the pictures taken from the website. I will take some pictures myself once I have finished unpacking and tidying everything up. The third picture above is my room, without a toilet since the en suite room has been given to Saskia for her privacy. Saskia is a Dutch PhD student in my laboratory and she was looking for a place as well. She doesn't mind staying with 3 guys, so here we are, in this luxurious looking apartment! 3 levels, 2 bedrooms on the 2nd level, 2 toilets, 1 living room, 1 kitchen, 1 study room on the ground floor and a garage!

Never in my life had I imagined that I can stay in such a luxurious apartment. This is totally like a dream to me! It was definitely worth the wait. Wish me luck for the rest of my 9 months of stay in Melbourne! Can't wait to go back home!

Send me to the Olympics!

I want one of this! Send me to the Olympics!

One Week Down...

Time seems to pass by fast when you are busy. The first week of Honours life was pretty contradicting. Either I am reading scientific papers in the office all day, or I am in the laboratory doing tons of stuff. Had a talk with Danny (my Honours project supervisor) this morning. Still very vague about what I am doing for my project, as he wanted me to find out for myself from Maya's project (previous Honours student with Danny). So I am back to square one. Hope to be able to digest Maya's thesis and absorb the essence of it. I really need a lot of concentration and focus to dig out the important information.

On a lighter note, there are 253 more days to the end of my Honours life! I will be giving my oral examination for my project on 9/10 November 2010! Graduation should occur somewhere around mid-December. So I have about one month to pack up and await my loved ones to come over to attend my graduation. Can't wait to be back for good!

Final Stretch, Final Nightmare...

Back to Melbourne on a cold Tuesday morning. 12˚ Celsius. What is even more difficult to bear is to leave my family and darling back home. I'm not someone who is easily homesick. But the life in Melbourne is not my kind of life. And having to leave my mum alone back home, makes me worried. My dad works on a shift basis. My younger sister is constantly working overtime. My youngest sister is constantly flying to Malaysia for work. My mum is all alone at home, having to care for Reanne and also to maintain the house. It must be tough on her. Hope I can spend more time with my mum when I'm back.

Another worry is my darling. I know it's not easy for her to accept this relationship. Having to be without her boyfriend for 2 years is definitely tough on her. Moreover, we started our relationship about 2 months before I depart for Melbourne in 2009, so I really appreciate her for everything she's done for me. When I am finally done with my studies and back in Singapore for good, I will definitely make it up to her! So my darling, wait for me!

Right now, I'm bunking in at Nicholas' place since he is back in Singapore until late March. So ZQ, Yiu Yiu and I are sharing his room for the period. Hopefully we can secure the available unit at Villiers Street, which is just a few units away from Nicholas. This way, we can move our things more easily. Still suffering from a lack of sleep. This morning, hitched a ride from Zi Xin's boyfriend to Bio21 to take the key from Yiu Yiu. I went back to leave my luggage at Nicholas' place before heading back to Bio21 to meet up with Dr Danny Hatters. And so, I began a day of being in a lab and also settling my enrollment application at Unimelb. Long day... Hopefully tomorrow will be better...

Reality has come to a halt. Nightmare resumes...

Time really does fly when you are enjoying yourself. Contrary to people waking up from a nightmare, I am walking into a nightmare. Back on 8 December 2009. Now going back to the dreadful place on 22 February 2010. Two and a half months passed by in a flash. Hope that my 10 months in Melbourne will pass by equally fast.

Came back and celebrated our 1st anniversary together. Since both of us are camera-loving people, it is natural I got my darling a Diana F+ (Moma) Edition camera. Nothing fanciful, just meet up, give my darling her present and off to Marché for diner. Simple and yet lovely day!

Celebrated 2009 Christmas with best friends over at my place for steamboat and gift exchange. Really hope we can continue our friendship. In the future, when we are all married, I hope we can visit one another's home for such gatherings. Also went for a gift exchange with Melissa and Baoling at Vivocity for diner.

Went for new year countdown with my darling and her buddies (Lishan and Yushan) as well as my buddies (CCL and his girlfriend and Bai Wei). The countdown party wasn't very impressive, but I guess this can't be helped since we did not pay for anything. Hahaha~

Went for crabs and also KTV with the Melbourne gang. Also celebrated Lisa's birthday at The Pump Room. Sorry that I didn't have much time with all of them due to many gatherings on my side as well as preparation for Chinese New Year. But I guess we will have our fun in Melbourne again!

Chinese New Year was a busy period, visiting relatives and eating goodies! Had fun with my cousins playing mahjong. I guess I have been going on a winning streak because Swee Yee is with me this time round. On the day when she wasn't with me, I lost $25. So I guess she's really my lucky star!

Again, nothing fanciful about our belated Valentine's Day. Just flowers and diner. Made a photo book for my darling and I hope she likes it. No doubt the present is inexpensive, but I think the hours spent and the love injected into the gift make it priceless.